Quotes
Now it's important to pay your taxes but it's just as important to pay as little tax as possible."
"I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of."
"I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart."
"The 9/11 Commission says we are woefully unprepared for another terrorist attack, calling it inevitable. Well, it's inevitable now that we've told the terrorists about it!"
"The statistics you don't compile never lie."
"I can't prove it, but I can say it."
"That paper is so slanted, the words roll off the page. It makes it hard to read."
"Equations are the devil's sentences!"
"Now I have my own problems with James Frey. Not because of the inconsistencies in his memoir, nothing wrong with stretching the truth. After all, we stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. In fact, I respect him for making up his past! It shows character."
"Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job."
"The best way to change the system is to wait until it changes."
"Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?"
"I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible?"
"Phew. Nobody watches MSNBC. Putting a story on that network is like classifying it."
"Like many Americans I face a patriotic dilemma: how much cheating can I get away with?
"Plus, business expenses are also [tax] deductible. For instance, I'm deducting my Ferrari, because I have my best ideas at 200mph."
"If you really want [tax] deductions you have to incorporate. I'm no longer Stephen Colbert, human, I'm Stephen Colbert, Inc. A wholly-owned subsidiary of ColbertCo, which in turn was just bought by the Emirates in Dubai. We fought it as long as we could."
"You're an entrepreneur, I honor that. Of course, the product you're pushing is the destruction of America. Good luck with that. If you don't destroy America, please come back."
"It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor by the way, because your grandchildren won't even know what a glacier is."
"[Books are] elitist telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American."
"That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head?"
"That's right, The Colbert Nation has a nuclear program underway. We are in an arms race with Hannity and Colmes."
"...Sand is a weapon of mass destruction when used properly. You can sort of toss it in someone's eyes in a knife fight."
"We have to restore public confidence in our government's ability to respond in a crisis the right way. By lowering our expectations of what it will do."
"It's journalists. They don't care if their product kills as long as they can line their pockets with their so called freedom of the press."
"The fact that they looked it up in a book just shows that they don't get the idea of truthiness at all. You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut."
"I have nothing to offer but fear itself."
"Society doesn't consider you a real adult until you're drowning in debt."
"Don't go to Europe to find yourself. Who told you you were over there anyway? You're far more likely to leave yourself there."
"If live theater wants to survive, it ought to take a page out of Tivo's book, and go digital."
"Before you send a fax transmission, you may want to get your facts straight. That's why they call it a fax."
"Well done 50th [District], you cut out the middleman. Forget about the Congressman, just give the lobbyist the vote. Much more efficient."
"The government is tracking your phone calls. Turns out those nights and weekends aren't as free as you thought."
"Steve Ballmer. I wouldn't put my money in his pockets, it'll just go flying all over the place."
"Sure, they [Congress] could rebuild New Orleans, but what if they rebuilt it out of flags and someone burned it down?"
"Well if Congress can't protect our flags from desecration, we're going to have to teach our flags to defend themselves. That's why I've been working on some self-defending flag prototypes."
"I don't want to give too much information away on what they [New York Times] revealed, because a large percentage of my audience is terrorists. Network is thrilled with the numbers."
"It's a complex story, so let me simplify it for you: The New York Times want you and your family dead. Even worse, is they try to justify it by citing the public interest."
"But one thing has never changed about Superman. Folks, he's always known how to keep a secret. Namely, his secret identity. Superman knows he's much more effective against his enemies if no one knows who he really is. So he disguised himself as the one thing farthest from a hero: a journalist."
"The real way to be a hero is to keep secrets from the public and only pretend to be a reporter."
"Do you understand how what you're saying does not penetrate my armor of belief?"
"I've said it before: Popular music should be a series of meaningless cliches strung together by a pleasing melody to help pass the time on long commutes or loveless marriages."
"No, I'm sorry, Bruce [Springsteen]. If I want a political treatise, I'll check one out of the library and then set it on fire."
"The pharmaceutical industry needs our help to reach its potential. Its dream. The dream that children on prescription drugs will someday grow up to be happy, prosperous adults, on prescription drugs."
"Medicating kids isn't coddling them. It's a cutting edge form of discipline. For years, parents and school marms were limited to spanking children's butts. Now we're spanking their brains."
"As I was leaving the combination prayer pavilion/firing range, I almost tripped over a push cart of children's medication: Ritalin, Wellbutrin, Paxil. It was enough to feed an army. Or at least increase an army's attention span."
"Where does the state of Illinois get off trying to provide all it's children with health insurance? That'll merely mislead these kids into unrealistic expectations that when they become adults they'll have health insurance. And as my staff can tell you, that is not necessarily the case."
"By the way, I'm legally required to mention that the show tonight may contain peanut products."
"Enticing people to register by bribing them attracts the wrong kind of voter: the poor kind. If you want to get the right people at the polls, offer one lucky voter a capital gains tax cut."
"Normal crop circles only imply that these aliens possess the technology to travel millions of light years through space and infiltrate our planet unseen. But 3-D technology? That means they've discovered the secrets behind Caption EO."
"But the real injustice? Out of 10 stamps, no Captain America. Ridiculous. He's a real hero. Every lick of his sticky backside would taste like democracy. Plus you're tongue would be greeted as a liberator."
"That twinkle there is actually an asterisk. If you look down at the bottom of the map, you'll see that I still don't technically consider D.C. part of the United States. Sorry guys, maybe next Constitution."
"I love local news, there's no getting bogged down in the issues. It's half murder, half news I can use, no fact. Unfortunately, not everybody gives our local newscasters the respect they deserve."
"I got an angry email from some nutjob in Oregon today. Apparently, the city of Portland does not put hashish in their baby formula. While crafting my scorching reply, I forgot whether I call Oregon California's Canada, or Washington's Mexico."
"So I went to the Internet encyclopedia, Wikipedia, to check their extensive entry on this show. I love Wikipedia: any site that's got a longer entry on truthiness than on Lutherans has its priorities straight."
"Turns out, I called Oregon both California's Canada, and on April 6, Washington's Mexico. But thinking about it now, that's giving Oregon too much credit. They're more like Idaho's Portugal."
"Let me explain this thing I do called journalism. As a newsman it's my job to get out ahead of a story and report it before it happens. Are we really on the road to World War III? Who knows. But if we are I'm way ahead of the curve."
"Normally when I am this depressed I binge on some good, old American comfort food. Some hotdog pie. Maybe a baseball sandwich. And always on the side a heaping order of freedom fries. You can feel the liberty coat your arteries."
"Changing french fries to freedom fries was arguably this Republican Congress' greatest accomplishment. Democrats would have called them surrender fries."
If you've bought one book, DVD or Doggy Step from the Internet, your credit card information is just waiting to be stolen. There's only one guaranteed way to protect your digits, and that's to get hundreds of credit cards. Never use the same one twice. You can get them through airlines, restaurants, deparment stores. Any place you can buy anything will issue you a credit card. Use them once, put them through a woodchipper.
"Protecying Your Identity - Spyware: You're going to want to defrag your hard drive once in awhile. Now I don't know what that means, but I overheard a nerd say that at Best Buy. I think it's a program where your computer moves a bunch of rectangles around to make you feel better. It's like therapy for robots."
"A new British study says eating while driving nearly doubles the risk of having a serious accident. So do what I do nation. I gorge myself before I get in the car. That way I can keep my hands free to do things like text messaging, or playing with my travel pinata. I wait til I get there before I eat the candy. Safety first."
"Everybody laughs at fart jokes. Brilliant people included. Take J. Robert Oppenheimer. Father of the atomic bomb. You did not want to pull his finger. Talk about fallout. You'd wish it was cesium. That is a good fallout joke. Those are rare."
"I didn't actually read it I just saw some excerpts of it in this month's Harper's magazine, which I was using to fire up my grill. The smell of burning liberal claptrap really seizes the duck breast."
"How do you know it is awesome until a corporation says it is?"
"Why are you [NASA] wasting our time with the space shuttle? Did not the President explicitly say he wanted to go to Mars? Why hasn't that happened yet? You are disobeying a direct order from the Commander-in-Chief in a time of war. It is your job to get the President to Mars, even if that means building a giant space cannon."
"So, Congress, keep the Supreme Court off television. Those Justices have to be able to make the decision that we have no right to privacy, in private."
"You know, I gave 110% last year nation, and this year I'm not going to rest on my laurels. Two reasons. 1) You deserve someone to fight for you. 2) I have very pointy laurels. It's difficult to rest on them. Very painful."
"The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun."
"I think it is bullcrap that eBay can't accept bids greater than 100 million dollars."
"Now, I didn't see the movie, I don't believe in movies, but I do believe in watching trailers. Very exciting trailer."
"Here's the funny thing, Dan [Rather]. I improvise the show. The union makes me put those writers' names up."
"I like that, because I have only high definition television sets. I threw out all my other television sets, I composted them, as soon as I found out about hi def."
"My only worry here, Mr. Rather, is the world is so scary now, do we really want to see the world in crisp detail? Shouldn't we want to see the world right now more like an impressionist painting? Kind of blurry, a lot of color and light, but not much information - like USA Today? Shouldn't that be what the news is like?"
"Reagan was far too great a president to have his longest living record taken away just because someone lived longer. At the very least, we need to name the record after him. Ford can be the Ronald Reagan longest living president."
There's a simple lesson here folks: third parties should be banned from the election process. Unless you're Ralph Nader and it's a presidential race. In which case, Godspeed to you sir and see you on the ballot in two years.
"How do we know what's important in a newscast if you're not yelling at your guests? I've never heard you yell at a guest. And that makes me very suspicious of whether or not you mean what you say."
"Doesn't information itself have a liberal bias?"
"Let's see how well they perform their trademark brand of hyper literate prog rock when I'm slicing their legs off at the knee."
"Now the whininistas out there are going to say, 'But Stephen, you're telling the government to lie to the American people.' Wrong. No. I'm just telling them to report the facts less."
"This time of year I get to finally replenish my 'nog supply. I think it's offensive that this is considered a seasonal drink....So I stock up on the stuff in December so I can 'nog out all year long. It doesn't actually keep very well, but I've found you can drink it up to 2 weeks past the printed expiration date with only minor regrets."
"I did not sleep well last night. Of course, I don't sleep well most nights. Maybe it's my bedtime ritual. See, I melt a Hershey bar into a mug of warm Mountain Dew. It's delicious."
"It relies on what is historically the best way to check industrial human rights abuses: voluntary compliance and self-policing. The best part is, the guys who came up with the process are the diamond industry, they're not going to lie to themselves."
"Children are just lobbyists who get political favors in exchange for being adorable."
"Since the beginning of my show I've led a crusade against facts. Too often, they upset the truth that's in your gut."
"The best way to win our respect, is to know everything we're thinking, and still choose to ignore it."
"Please change your mind on this wiretap compromise. Unless of course it doesn't matter now that the courts have any jurisdiction, because you don't need anymore warrants, because you've already bugged all the phone lines in America."
"When I make judgments on this show, they are final and they are binding. And that goes double when I reverse them."
"Good job 11 feet of snow! You proved that global warming is a myth. Pretty hard to get the public mobilized to fight greenhouse gases when they're up on their roofs with snowblowers. Which, by the way, run on fossil fuels."
"Man of the Year? Human history has spanned thousands of years. They may as well just of given me an award for existing. The good news is it does makes me a finalist for Man of the Decade."
"I'm talking of course about the members of Congress who toured Walter Reed last week. Someone had to have the courage to walk through that hospital and then have the press document their disapproval. These folks have been fighting to improve the conditions for our wounded soldiers ever since the very beginning of two weeks ago."
"Honk if you love the truth, and please stop watching TV while you're driving."
"Nation, there are no words that capture the spirit of freedom better than, 'We respect your first Amendment right to free speech, however...'"
"You even won an award for your commitment to ethics. So, being ethical has actually paid off for you. Isn't that a conflict of interest?"
"This is my theory: scientists have the time machines, but they don't want the rest of us to see them. Why? Because we'll see all the dials only go back 6,000 years, which means the Bible's right."
"I have expertise too. I have a Doctorate in Fine Arts from Knox College, in western Illinois. And I think I should be able to do surgery in the Quad City areas, as a result."
"Back off FDA. These sleep aids are a real friend to the budget traveler. Why should I spend $400 to fly, when I can just drive the red-eye? Now if there was only something I could take to let me sleep and drive while texting on my cell phone."
"Equality isn’t something we need to write into the Constitution. We should just trust each other. You know, gentlemen’s agreement."
"I eat an entire apple pie before I come on this show. I play baseball and eat apple pie. I play baseball with apple pie."
"I will not concede anything. You're on the wrong show."
"Folks, if we can't trust our school teachers to formulate our pharmaceuticals, how can we trust them when they say that cat starts with a 'c' and not with a 'kh' like I've always suspected?"
"His holiness is going to say a mass at Yankee Stadium. I got some tickets. I cannot wait. You have not had communion, til you've had it smothered with pump-on nacho cheese."
"I think we will always need oil, what about you? I call solar panels 'surrender panels'."
"If there was a whiff of fallibility in the air today it's because the Pope has left the continent."
"I don't care if they read my book. They bought my book. They can buy it and burn it and buy another. You know with the high price of fuel these days it may be cheaper than heating your house with oil."
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